Q & A: How do I keep a space of communication open between my daughter and I around all things periods?
This question really sparked something in me. As a mom of a 13 year old, I puzzle through mother-daughter communication and connection every day. I imagine you do too. As I sat down to write an answer about periods, I realized how this question gets to the heart of parenting tweens and teens: connecting in new ways as this amazing human is growing up. It’s such a juicy question. I’m going to answer in three parts.
First, here are three concrete ideas related to periods:
Teach your daughter about menstrual cycles. In order to communicate with you, she needs to understand what she could share. Teach her about her inner seasons, her biomarkers, her rising and falling hormones so she understands what’s happening in her body and can use words like folicular, luteal, inner autumn and ovulation to describe her experience.
Give your daughter ways to capture her cycle experience — annually, monthly or daily; biomarker based or mood based; in words or pictures — so she has a foundation from which to ask you questions or for your help. Using a simple tracking tool could be something she does, you do with her input, or something you do together.
Be the example. To show what open communication about periods could look like, be open, curious, and empathetic. Share your cycle day check-in with your daughter and invite hers. When your daughter shares how she’s doing on any given day, connect this to where she is in her cycle and see if that makes sense or feels right to her.
Second, when I shared this question with my daughter and asked if she had any ideas for moms, her first answer was this:
“Well, yeah, that’s normal. We start talking to our friends more about everything, including periods.”
Clear is kind, as they say, right? Even though this broke my heart a little, I know it’s true and I’m sure you do too. It’s their job during tween and teen years to help launch themselves and that includes finding their tribe outside of family and turning to these friends first.
While it’s helpful to be reminded that this is normal, I found her second answer maybe more useful:
“Be open about literally everything, not just periods. Like what you say when I ask questions. That makes me feel like I can come to you. And then you have to not freak out about whatever it is too.”
When my daughter was a toddler and going through the question asking phase, she would say, “Mom, can I ask you something?” dozens of times a day and every single time I would say, “You can ask my anything.” It became one of our “things” that stuck and we still do it.
As she’s grown up and her questions changed from “Where is this cute rolly bug going?” to “Can I start taking the bus more places?” I’m working hard to maintain a neutral face, to respond with empathy and curiosity.
So, can I ask you a question? Is there something you can do today to create a space of open communication about another topic? Maybe you share something she doesn’t know about you yet. Or ask your daughter a question.
Third, I want to share why moving into coaching mode will help you keep communication open about periods and everything.
When your daughter was brand new, you did everything for her. Then as she grew, you taught her how to do it for herself. Now that she’s a tween or teen, you have an opportunity to shift again, this time into coaching mode where you guide her to make her own decisions.
You might be wondering: how does this help keep a space of communication open around all things periods?
When you’re in coaching mode, you:
listen and ask questions more than talk and direct;
turn her own questions back to her before answering them yourself — my daughter sees right through this and doesn’t always love it, but it works to keep communication open. For example, when she says, “What do you think about XYZ?” I say, “I’m happy to tell you what I think but I’m curious, what do you think about XYZ?” She answers and then I answer and the whole interaction is less transactional and more conversational. We feel more equal and connected so our next interaction has the potential to be more open and positive;
give ideas when requested and remind when needed;
cheer her on as she learns.
Moving into coaching mode is especially helpful for a newly menstruating tween or teen because so much is changing for her — physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. She is learning so much about herself, her unique cycle and how to take care of herself when she’s menstruating and through all four phases of her cycle. When you’re in coaching mode, you create safety and trust and you give your daughter the space she needs to connect with herself so she can keep in communication with you.
